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July 05, 2007

TFG's Second Law of Motion

Last week I talked about how how a fat guy in motion tends to stay in motion. This week I observed the affect that TFG has on those around him.

It all started while I was watching TV.

Now you might be thinking, "TFG! You are supposed to be talking about getting fit, not watching TV! How are you going to get your weight under control if you act like a couch potato?! Seriously! WTF?"

To those people, I say, "Please shut up and pay attention or I’ll hunt you down and sit on you."

Anyway, I was watching one of my favorite shows, 'Myth Busters'. For those of you that don't watch, it is this team of people that either prove or disprove popular myths like the famous, if you eat Pop Rocks and wash it down with soda pop, your stomach will explode.

It is a really cool show. Of course it helps that a member of the team is a sexy, she-nerd named Kari Byron.





<-----Kari's the one on the right.




On the episode that I was watching, they were showing how a car's gas mileage actually increased when following (tailgating) an 18-wheeler. It started me thinking about how the truck's drag had an unintended affect on the closely following car.

NOTE: Don't actually tailgate ANYTHING. If you do, I'm not responsible for it. I told you not to. I never said you should tailgate. If you tailgate and have an accident, then it is all on you. IDIOT

With this episode fresh in my mind, I went to the gym the next day. I walk in and take a quick look at who's on the treadmills. The most notable are the following...

Sexy Soccer Mom - She's taken pretty good care of herself, but is blessed with a naturally high metabolism. So she doesn't really have to work too hard to keep off the weight.

Make-up Chick - I honestly have no idea why she comes to the gym. She's obviously spending more time dressing and doing her make-up than she is on working out. I never see her do more than a slow walk. I have to be two or more treadmills from her or my eyes will start itching due to her overuse of cheap perfume.

Ghetto Booty - She looks good. I like to take the treadmill behind her if it is open so I can be distracted by the hypnotic swaying of her ghetto booty. It just makes time go by quicker.

Ex-Football Jock - He woke up about a month ago and noticed that his once tone body is starting to show the ravages of couch potatoness. That's what happens when you go from 'high school running back' to 'arm chair quarterback'.

There are others of course but these four are archetypes that you see in any gym and also are critical to the story.

So I pick a treadmill between Ex-FootBall Jock and Ghetto Booty. Make-up Chick and Sexy Soccer Mom are both on the other side of Ghetto Booty. All four of them are at a really slow walk...the kind of walk that you aren't going to break a sweat from.


While I get my preferences entered into the treadmill and get my MP3 player running, I catch the quick glances from the archetypes as they size me up. This is pretty standard. When you are on a treadmill or other stationary cardio machine, you are always looking around for anything to distract you from how boring these things can be. The only person that I didn't catch looking is Make-Up Chick. She's busy reading the fashion magazine that she has propped up on her treadmill's display panel.

I ease into a slow walk as I flip my MP3 player to my favorite cardio collection. I look over quickly and catch Ex-Football Jock actually counting my steps to make sure he's going faster than me. I start my music...
"Footloose...Footloose...Kick off your Sunday shoes..."






As I increase speed, I notice that Ex-Football Jock is trying to maintain a faster stride than me.

"Dirty Deeds! Done dirt cheap!"








I see Ghetto Booty switch from a slow walk to speed walk. Cool! I wish I had the treadmill behind her. What a view!

"How do we sleep when our beds are burning?"






Sexy Soccer Mom increases speed but most amazing is that even Make-up Chick has seemed to decide that she doesn't want to be out done by some big, fat guy and has actually sped up too.

"It's the final countdown..."





 
 
I look down and see that I'm 10 minutes in and my heart rate isn't as high as I like it. So I adjust my speed up again.


"I'll keep you by my side, with my superhuman might...Kryptonite"






Ghetto Booty stops looking around and is completely focused on her run. She starts to hold on to the bars.

"...bid my blood to run...before I come undone"





 
 
Ex-Football Guy is starting to huff and puff like some Big Bad Wolf. Sexy Soccer Mom has had to grab the handles a couple of times and jump off the treadmill so she can catch her breath. I slow down just a bit so I can do a 'hill'.

"...I will be your father figure...Put your tiny hand in mine..."




 
 
Make-Up Chick is actually in danger of breaking a sweat. Ex-Football Guy has slowed down a bit while I'm on my 'hill'. Ghetto Booty is holding onto the bars all white knuckled like she was riding a rollercoaster. I'm off the 'hill' and speeding up again. We are about 20 minutes in at this point.

"...Sleep with one eye open...Gripping your pillow tight..."





 
 
Ex-FootBall Guy is all red and looks like he might have a heart attack at any moment. Sexy Soccer Mom has given up and gone home. Make-Up Chick tries to turn the page on her magazine and ends up accidentally pulling it off the panel. It falls to the treadmill and she runs over it with her shoes. Ghetto Booty is using the bars to help pull her along while she runs.

"...Rosenbergs, H-Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom, Brando, 'The King and I', and 'The Catcher in the Rye'..."

 
 
 
 
Ghetto Booty tries to let go of the bars so she can reach up to (probably) slow down her treadmill. However, she had been relying on that extra support and without it she missteps and falls off the machine...square onto that booty. Nice padding.

"...But we've got the BIGGEST BALLS OF THEM ALL!!"

 
 
 
 
 
Time to slow it down and do my cool down. Ex-Football Guy is crouching behind his treadmill trying desperately to catch his breath...his treadmill is still spinning, unattended. Make-Up Chick has put her torn up magazine back on the rack and headed home...no doubt stopping at the bathroom to do some touch ups. Ghetto Booty is being looked after by the gym staff.

Now keep in mind that I didn't intend any of this to happen but I can't help but think I'm somehow responsible. However, I really don't run that fast. It just seems that I'm way more serious about my workouts than the average looky loo's that I find at my gym. As I drove home I created the following law...

"Any celestial body with a sufficient gravitational mass and that is in motion will cause acceleration in a lesser body that is proportional to the lesser body's ego."

So to all my fellow TokenFatPeople, I urge you to be careful when you start throwing your mass around. Because like the Earth drags the moon around while on its solar orbit, you also have an affect on those lesser bodies that you come into close proximity with.

NOW DO AS I SAY AND GET OUT OF HERE!

9 Comments:

Anonymous Mike E said...

Great Entry... LOL

July 5, 2007 4:12 PM  
Blogger Robert said...

Thanks...I live to serve :)

July 5, 2007 4:51 PM  
Anonymous Bridgie said...

ugh... I am always entertained by your posts, but this one was extra refreshing! :)

July 5, 2007 7:41 PM  
Blogger Robert said...

Ah...my writing is now 'extra refreshing'. I sound like a soda pop. :)

July 5, 2007 8:48 PM  
Blogger Patrick said...

Loved the blog! This is so true. I've noticed people beside me speed up too when I start sprinting. It's those same people that you try to get around on 485 and they start speeding up when you go to pass them. LOL

July 6, 2007 3:23 PM  
Blogger Lauri said...

This is great, your humor is all I needed today to get me going!

February 3, 2008 3:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great blog!! Too funny, ty for sharing! LMAO

March 30, 2008 3:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to say that was pretty funny. Good for you! Its always fun to see the different kinds of people at the gym. I'll have to check it out. I workout outside the gym.

July 10, 2008 10:57 AM  
Blogger Tigger -Fit To Be Tied said...

I just love your blog - I know this is an old one - but it's awesome! I hope you will keep writing.

October 1, 2008 12:23 AM  

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